Nostalgia

Originally published on September 1st, 2024

Nostalgia – a nine-letter mystery. What comes to mind? The stinging sensation of loving a memory that’s forever gone – sweet like honey, til you slice your tongue on its hidden razor blade?

As a kid I wrote a piano song. I named it “Nostalgia”. Ever since those brooding notes (F♯, G♯, A♯, x3), nostalgia has unearthed deep feelings in me. Certain phrases launch a Dresden of emotions just above my rib cage. Shanghai 2013. San Mateo 2015. Santa Monica summers. God!

Nostalgia is bittersweetness toward the past. You plunge deep into your memories and tumble around. When you resurface from this mysterious pool, you feel ambivalent. Maybe vaguely sad. That was my definition til yesterday. Yesterday, I heard a new definition:

“Nostalgia is an attempt to freeze the moment.” It’s not just about the past. It can also be felt in real-time.

It happened recently. There we are, sitting beneath strings of incandescent lights. New friends from faraway countries, hours into a life-giving conversation. In this moment, I sense immense meaning dripping from each second, the depth of this night, cup filled up. I’m glad. But as we talk, part of me is meta-aware. Watching myself. And as I watch, I realize that this night – sweet as it is – shall pass.

And I want to reject this fate. To revolt against time. I want to stand up from the table and go track down Life’s Great Scroll Bar. And, upon finding it, I would reach my arm out toward the Pause button, and proceed to pound it with closed fist, over and over and over again, until…it…clicks. Time’s relentless melt – miraculously, mercifully…….stopped.

Then I would sigh with relief, wipe the sweat from my brow, and return to the table. And on and on we would talk, deep into the night, underneath the orange glow. We would revel in this temporal oasis as long as our beating hearts pleased.

Time, frozen. All honey, no steel. In our most precious moments, we’d all do the same, if we could.

But, we can’t. So we make music.